It's funny how alcohol brings ppl together. Even though I really dislike it.
I dunno if it's sth that only works on guys, but somehow it does seem to work that way, or does it not?
It was a journey of discovery. I realized even though a lot of times, I know the overview, I am sorely unaware of the details, and more often than not, the details are entirely capable of changing my perception utterly.
I probably knew something was amiss a long time ago. But like you, I chose to ignore it, and trust that you were capable of getting through unscathed. After all, you were the strongest mentally among us, and despite what school grades have shown, I've always thought that you were the most capable one among us all.
I like to think that all 3 of you are strong enough to get through whatever that comes your way.
Or maybe I was getting too used to being the one that needed to be taken care of.
I will admit. I've never gone through anything that time couldn't heal. Probably explains my stand on the issue heavily debated just a while ago.
And I'll admit too. I was never prepared to discuss my worries with anyone else. Those that I didn't bring up, they're things I never understood myself. I dun see the point.
Plus I abhor awkwardness.
Time is my solution. You guys are the catalyst. Thinking back, I honestly do not know what I did to deserve that position among you guys today.
And as usual, I don't have much to give. Except this.
I dunno if a closure is possible in the near future for you. But you of all people should know the importance in moving on, and the consequences if you don't. It doesn't matter how long it takes. It doesn't matter how you do it. I believe you'll eventually get one. At the mean time, shifting your sights to some other goals isn't exactly a bad idea either. Not all problems deserve to be solved immediately. And not all aspirations deserve a reason at the beginning. It'll all come together in the end. Mark my words.
I'm sorry if I didn't pay you enough attention when we met up. You were always the one with the least troubles (excluding me), and you seldom let it show, not unlike the person above. I've always seen you as the cheerful one, so sometimes I conveniently let signs slip me by, just so I wouldn't need to confront them with you. Nobody said you'll be so lucky as to fall for the right one on your first try, and similarly, nobody said you wouldn't eventually be with the right one, regardless of what occurred along the way. Have a little faith. And be a lil more aggressive. You need not follow what others did. You're trying to meet your right one, not theirs.
I'm glad everything's turning out so well for you. And I'm glad you're full of confidence in what you have right now. Hold onto him tight. He really loves you. It really isn't hard to see that. Don't ever let him go.
Ellie Goulding ~ Starry Eyed
Discovering songs that take my breath away.
Editing pictures that once took my breath away.
Writing and doodling. They calm my breathing.
Thinking about the future. Suffocating.
Ellie Goulding ~ Guns and Horses
...and I'm tumbling.
http://insleepwhenimalone.tumblr.com/
Mostly just to clear my stash of euro pics, I guess.
http://insleepwhenimalone.tumblr.com/
Mostly just to clear my stash of euro pics, I guess.
As expected, 那个莫名其妙，不知从哪儿冒出来的感觉，渐渐消失了。
算是好事吧。至少不会使我的每一天被那么忧郁的心情牵着鼻子走。还真是莫名其妙哈哈。。。
对前途还并不是那么期待，明朗。但至少现在，有了短暂的目标。需要好几个月才能看到一丝丝的成果吧，很无奈，但也很期待。毕竟，不能一辈子都这么得过下去。老爸老妈因该会高兴吧。Lol...
I like to read books. Maybe because my life is uninteresting. Or maybe the characters in the stories are precisely who I wanna be. Regardless, some day I hope I can write my own story. Maybe I'll be surprised by how bland it is. Or maybe not.
I've always wondered what would change if I was born a girl, like my mum wanted. I'll probably be yelling at my computer screen saying "Show me more of the guy NOT THAT BLOODY SLUT!" when I'm watching porn.
That was random.
Ryan Adams ~ Wonderwall
算是好事吧。至少不会使我的每一天被那么忧郁的心情牵着鼻子走。还真是莫名其妙哈哈。。。
对前途还并不是那么期待，明朗。但至少现在，有了短暂的目标。需要好几个月才能看到一丝丝的成果吧，很无奈，但也很期待。毕竟，不能一辈子都这么得过下去。老爸老妈因该会高兴吧。Lol...
I like to read books. Maybe because my life is uninteresting. Or maybe the characters in the stories are precisely who I wanna be. Regardless, some day I hope I can write my own story. Maybe I'll be surprised by how bland it is. Or maybe not.
I've always wondered what would change if I was born a girl, like my mum wanted. I'll probably be yelling at my computer screen saying "Show me more of the guy NOT THAT BLOODY SLUT!" when I'm watching porn.
That was random.
Ryan Adams ~ Wonderwall
I........
I need some time away from everything. Well, not everything per se. Hall and studies remain.
Hall because the ppl here are those dat I've lived and learned with for the past 4 years. If I'd actually achieved any growing up during this part of my life, it's with these peeps. They may not noe me as intimately as others do, but they noe me for the person I am on a day to day basis. Not too much, not too little. The precise distance in friends that I require right now.
Studies because it's an easy target to be used as a focus in life. It's my very last semester. There's no going back. I'm thankful to have such an empty timetable in my last semester. Gives me room to insert things and activities. I wanna try things I haven tried for the past 4 years of my life in NUS. I wanna hold down a part-time job while studying and understand what it feels like. I wanna give my remaining modules wadever ethusiasm that's left in me and see where that leads.
And I also wanna start exercising regularly. Thank god for gym-freaks along my corridor. They're gonna be my personal trainers since I am as familiar with a gym as I am with a tampon. Jogging's fun only if you have an ipod, which I do. Awesome.
Interim presentation was concluded today. I wanted to put up a smiley face and just present the whole damn thing, regardless of whether or not I had the reasons to smile in the first place. Managed to do dat when I met my prof in the morning. Nearly failed at the presentation itself because Madeleine who went before me apparently did pretty well. Talk about being influenced by your surroundings. But still, smile on my face, an awfully cheerful voice, with an oddly sequenced powerpoint slides, and before I know it the whole affair was done. Questions were answered as best as I could, and for sure I knew I could do much better, but at least both professors looked satisfied. I can't ask for more.
Won't ask for more.
On a side note, I dunno what I'm becoming. Still, thankful for frens who seem to always be there. I didn't realize that I've started to be so dependent on my friends. Not for their help. But merely for their presence. I used to be able to survive so well alone. I wonder what changed.
I figure someone among the ones reading this blog can appreciate the lyrics of this song quite well. I can only wish you all the best in your relationship/s, cos god knows I haven been in one myself. Go for one that last. Someone you can cuddle with 10 years down the road and not feel awkward. That's the best advice I can give you. Right now.
Adele ~ Someone Like You
I need some time away from everything. Well, not everything per se. Hall and studies remain.
Hall because the ppl here are those dat I've lived and learned with for the past 4 years. If I'd actually achieved any growing up during this part of my life, it's with these peeps. They may not noe me as intimately as others do, but they noe me for the person I am on a day to day basis. Not too much, not too little. The precise distance in friends that I require right now.
Studies because it's an easy target to be used as a focus in life. It's my very last semester. There's no going back. I'm thankful to have such an empty timetable in my last semester. Gives me room to insert things and activities. I wanna try things I haven tried for the past 4 years of my life in NUS. I wanna hold down a part-time job while studying and understand what it feels like. I wanna give my remaining modules wadever ethusiasm that's left in me and see where that leads.
And I also wanna start exercising regularly. Thank god for gym-freaks along my corridor. They're gonna be my personal trainers since I am as familiar with a gym as I am with a tampon. Jogging's fun only if you have an ipod, which I do. Awesome.
Interim presentation was concluded today. I wanted to put up a smiley face and just present the whole damn thing, regardless of whether or not I had the reasons to smile in the first place. Managed to do dat when I met my prof in the morning. Nearly failed at the presentation itself because Madeleine who went before me apparently did pretty well. Talk about being influenced by your surroundings. But still, smile on my face, an awfully cheerful voice, with an oddly sequenced powerpoint slides, and before I know it the whole affair was done. Questions were answered as best as I could, and for sure I knew I could do much better, but at least both professors looked satisfied. I can't ask for more.
Won't ask for more.
On a side note, I dunno what I'm becoming. Still, thankful for frens who seem to always be there. I didn't realize that I've started to be so dependent on my friends. Not for their help. But merely for their presence. I used to be able to survive so well alone. I wonder what changed.
I figure someone among the ones reading this blog can appreciate the lyrics of this song quite well. I can only wish you all the best in your relationship/s, cos god knows I haven been in one myself. Go for one that last. Someone you can cuddle with 10 years down the road and not feel awkward. That's the best advice I can give you. Right now.
Adele ~ Someone Like You
Why am I so terrified of waking...?
Hates the waking world.
我不喜欢想太多。我不知道为什么。可能是因为在读书的时候，你会发现很多问题，你如果想太多，反而是多此一举。也或者，可能是我从小学到中学，已经花了太多时间和精力去想，终于挨到一个换换新环境的机会，没有任何压力，时时刻刻逼着你用脑力。又或者，可能我已经看透很多事情，也对很多事情心灰意冷了。
总之，现在的我，很不喜欢想太多。
但是，身为一个即将从土木工程系毕业的学生， 想，毕竟还是唯一的生存之道。
我从来没想过，一个看似那么简单的决定，竟会让我沦落到这个地步。
后悔，也似乎太迟了。
就只能往前走了。
改变吗？
还是，继续天马行空，想象一个，能够不改变，却也不至于原地踏步的世界。
身边的人，都已经离我三千里了。我还在六年前的世界，继续原地踏步。
怎么，现实，和我想象的，差了那么多呢？
哈，想要世界为我而改变，还真是天方夜谭。
我真的觉得，是时候了。不是为了赶上身边的朋友们，而是为了赶上，六年后原本的自己。
改变吧。
2nd post in a year! Woohoo I'm on a roll!
Wadever.
I dun really noe wad I'm doing right now. As in, I dunno what I'm working for right now, if I'm even "working".
I can't be bothered with my studies. I can't be bothered with finding a job.
I dun have a concrete idea of what my strengths and weaknesses are.
I dun really noe where my passion lies (in things that count and matter).
I do noe that I have a fucked up attitude in life atm. Which sucks. Big time.
I'm trying to recall what and when brought me to this threshold, but nth's coming up. It just seem so....natural and...expected? Like it was meant to be for me to come to this point.
Maybe sth huge will happen that will cause sum drastic changes in my lives, like it always does in the movies. Maybe I'll fail my FYP. Maybe I wun be able to get a job despite applying for tonnes. Maybe that lump on my head will turn out to be a malicious tumor afterall.
Wadever.
Met Yingxia, Li Yun and Guna ytd night. Pancakes at (where else) Strictly Pancakes and a jug of lime margarita at Cafe Iguana (with free nachos to boot! Check in with 4square and leave a tip, den show it to the manager and you can exchange for a plate of small nachos that normally cost S$20! Awesome or what! They have similar specials at Brewerkz as well). Goofed around all night long on topics like dildos, the 2 typical classes in gay relationships (in which Guna provided sum interesting insight, but dun get the wrong idea, he's as str8 as a ruler, to quote yingxia's words for li yun) and whether or not the cute waiter who served us at Cafe Iguana was gay.
For the record, both me and Guna said he was/is after his first visit to our table. The gals were appalled and intrigued with our speed at identifying a guy's sexuality.
By his 3rd visit, I was confirm chop slap chest sure.
By his 5th visit, I cudn't be bothered le.
The gals were partially convinced when he passed us the bill at the end.
Once again, I maintain. I have nothing against gays and les. Who noes, I might be attracted to a cute guy in the future. Or I might die a lonely loner death, all alone.
Returning to the topic, we weren't being mean or bitchy or anything when we were discussing abt the waiter. It was just something that came out due to the fact dat we were talking about the issue even before we got to Cafe Iguana. And it's not like I'm a gay x-ray or anything. It's just, most of my frens are guys. Plus I live in hall. Used to stay in a hostel. And attended an all-boys secondary school. It gets to the point where you're very familiar with how guys normally act and behave. It doesn't have to be something overly obvious. In fact, the signs are normally very very subtle body language. To both Guna and me, the waiter was like bam! wham! clear-as-the-sky obvious. The gals just didn't get it and cudn't understand. Maybe it's a guy thing.
But, I'm pretty convinced that there is an increasing number of guys out there who behave just like everyone else but are either bi or gay. In fact, sumhow I'm pretty certain that MOST guys nowadays are bi. I dunno why. Just a gut feeling. My first visit to PLAY (and my 4th visit to a club, so far) didn't really help to reinforce this notion of mine, but I'm still pretty sold on it. Somehow.
There's tis singer that I find really good. A male singer, but I'm not quite sure how to categorize his genre of music. Emo country, perhaps. His name is Shane Mack. I stumbled across his songs when I was using the stumbleupon website (I'm serious), which, incidentally, is a cool website I like to go to whenever I'm bored. I found more of his songs on youtube (duh...), and apparently he sang the OST for a movie called "Shelter". I dun wan to say anything cos I dun wan to insert any pre-conceived ideas into your heads about the movie. I rather you just go watch it yourselves. I tink they still have it on youtube (search for "Shelter 1". it shud be the 1st link), albeit in parts. I like the sountrack, I like the movie, I like the story, I like the acting. Very non-stereotypical in all senses of the topic.
But I'm still high over her music.
Lissie ~ When I'm Alone
I've stopped blogging in like, what, a year...?
For no particular reason. Just didn't feel like blogging.
And to think I used to be able to blog on a daily basis. Jeez......wadever happened in my life back then that gave me things to write about...?
Feeling kinda awkward right now. It's like you're meeting a fren whom you haven seen in a long long time, and after exchanging pleasantries, the two of you automatically slip into a awkward silence. And then you bade hasty goodbyes and poof! Nothing changes.
Which reminds me of my last blog post. Pleasantries = a few paragraphs of random ramblings. Then poof! Gone for a year or more.
Poof!
Nahhhhhhh............. If I bothered to start this post, I'll at least try to write something decent. Or indecent, if it's R21 content. Lol @ myself.
So, what to talk about...?
A brief intro...? Not like those who bothers to read this blog dun noe me well enuf, but in case you think I've changed over the years (or that one year when i was absent from this shitty site I call my blog).....
Here comes 20 THINGS YOU DIDN'Y KNOW ABOUT ME!!! (doing my best sarcastic Sheldon Cooper voice)
So here we go.
1.) I am probably the most bo chap person you will ever come across in your life. Which leads me to items 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6.
2.) I am, at the moment, not really bothered by my weight, though I should be peeing in my pants with anxiety over it a long time ago. Somewhere in Primary 5 or 6 will be a good estimate.
3.) I am, honestly speaking, not really bothered with your private lives. Crudely speaking, I can care less about what you do in your life, so long as it doesn't disturb/bother me, and it doesn't cross certain lines (all of which are dictated by pure, simple COMMON SENSE) and it doesn't go against the law (at least the ones dat matter).
Simply put, I can't be bothered with what you do when I'm not around. I don't expect you to update me on every single thing that has happened to you after not seeing you for 2 months (or 2 weeks, for that matter), though I still insist on being updated on the occasional gossip. I dun care if you have had 5 girlfriends in the course of 3 weeks, or simply had none and survived solely with your right hand. I dun care if you failed a paper and had to retake it the next semester. I dun care if a girl rejected you and you're pissed. I dun care if you put on weight (you'll never out-weigh me anyway) and have to head to the gym twice as often. I dun care if you got into the dean's list. I dun care if you got drunk and was fisted by the bouncer at the club.
But I listen. If you need someone to talk to, I'll listen. I'll add in a few comments here and there just so it doesn't seem like a one-man show, and I'll throw in a few weird sounds and awkward laughters to lighten the mood and divert your attention.
But that's about all I'll do.
Why?
See item 7.
4.) I am not homophobic. See item 3. Then item 11.
5.) I style my hair an average of 5 times a year.
Ok maybe 10.
6.) I've been cutting my hair a grand total of twice a year for the past 2 years. I have decided to stop the practice simply because I have a feeling my hair-stylist is getting pissed with my bo-chap-about-hair-length-and-make-him-cut-for-one-hour-very-not-worth-the-money-he's-earning attitude. He's the one holding a lethal object when I'm sitting in that dat chair looking like a homeless dork. That makes him King. So, his feelings matter (yours on the other hand, don't). As much as I bo chap a lot of things, I still chap my life.
7.) I am a socially-awkward creature. I dun like crowds. I dun like strangers. I have a fixed group of frens and have no intention of expanding them (most of the time). They're my comfort zone. My communication skills suck. And that's being gentle with the adjectives.
I dun really noe how to comfort/advice/sympathize/empathize/console ppl. Not even my best frens. Most of the time it's because I simply do not have experience with what they're going through. So I end up making weird noises and awkward laughters to soothe the whole conversation over and divert their attention to some other issues. Works most of the time, but I'm pretty sure it's one of the reasons why even my bestest frens have reservations sharing intimate secrets with me.
Which brings me to item 8.
8.) I am a sucky fren.
Combining this with item 1, it simply means that I very often lack the initiative with frens. I hardly initiate meet-ups even when I haven seen my close frens in months. not because I dun care about them, but because I can't be bothered. If you ask me out, I'll go. But I can't be bothered to organize sth by myself. I dunno why. Prolly because I'm really such a fucked up slacker.
Adding the fact that I give sucky advice (if any), it's a potent mix with the label "Sucky Friend: Stay Away".
9.) I like to see my friends happy.
Weird hor...? One moment say bo chap, one moment say sth else.
But it's true. I like to do things for my frens. Have dinner with them. Or supper also can. Celebrate their birthdays for them. Prepare something elaborate for them (when I have the motivation). Cook for them. Bring them around when they visit me in JB. Etc.
I spend more time and effort on my frens than on my family members. Sad but true.
10.) I dun really have a huge appetite.
Most of my close frens noe I can't really eat much at one go. I get full very easily.
The only reason why I'm fat is because I dun exercise and I eat constantly.
11.) I am very open-minded.
Seriously. Note the word VERY. I am not exaggerating. I can be extremely open-minded when I want to, and I'm already very open-minded most of the time.
12.) I used to be a Christian.
My guitar club friend back in JC got me to attend a mass at City Harvest church when she saw me starring at some pamphlets from it. I didn't reject her invitation though I was reluctant (see item 13) and somehow, by the 2nd visit, I was sorta a Christian already (they had this ceremony thingy with a foreign pastor doing sum blessing shit on non-christians at that particular mass and ppl were wailing and fainting all over the place when he put his hand on their fore-heads...seriously, more drama-mama than drag queens). Went for one cell group session and back-slided after that.
Obviously religion isn't gonna be my thing.
I have a lot of issues with religions. Somehow most of my issues are with Christianity (note the capital C....showing sum respect here at least teehee) cos they're prolly one of the biggest, most organized (not necessarily in a good way) and most commercialized religion out there, but overall, it's just not something for me.
Simply put, I find having to bow down to one god similar to kow towing to a tyrant overlord. Giving that one entity credits to EVERYTHING in my life...jeez, thanks but no thanks. I'll risk hell for that.
13.) I dunno how to say no most of the time.
I am very thin-skinned (laugh at that as much as you want...skin and fat are separate things blek). And I absolutely abhor awkward situations.
And saying No seems to almost always produce an awkward situation. So I almost always say yes and agree to things I am reluctant to do.
Sucks but I haven seem to be able to overcome this short-coming even after all this time.
14.) I have this weird sense of confidence buried deep within me.
It's probably the result from all the mugging I did back in Secondary School. I used to be able to mug all day long without sweating it. And so my results were almost always very good. So even if I noe I can no longer produce such results right now, I have this confidence in me telling me that everything will turn out fine eventually, even if I had just begun mugging tonight and my paper's tmr morning.
It's prolly also due to the fact that I normally pick things up pretty fast, and I used to have rather good memorizing skills. And somehow, I've yet to be properly screwed by this "sense" of confidence. Frens hate me for it, cos I seem to do decently well for my papers and projects even without putting in much effort. But I do believe that I'll be truly and deservingly fucked by this odd sense of confidence one day.
15.) Under normal circumstances, I dun like shopping.
May it be clothes or gadgets. Cos I can't be bothered.
16.) Under normal circumstances, I love shopping for books.
A book shop is most often the first shop I'll enter in a mall. It's where I feel most at ease.
17.) I read my first Jeffrey Archer when I was in Sec 2. Too young to understand everything it says, but it was still an awesome read. I remember it was a book titled "The Fourth Estate". Brilliant book.
18.) I love animals. And I love nature.
19.) I love all kinds of music. When I like a song, I play it on repeat mode in my ipod until I get sick of it.
20.) I wasn't in the family plan.
My mum was gonna abort me initially, but relented cos she thought I might be a daughter (I already have 2 elder brothers at that time). Prolly explains why I'm not the most macho and manly guy out there.
So, 20 random and useless facts about me.
Oh.....can't help but to add one more.
21.) I really do not like alcohol. I drink for the sake of the company, and for the sake of being good company. Not for the drink. Never for the drink.
So, 21 things about me! Voila!
I am how random.
Lissie ~ In Sleep (This girl here is awesome. Go listen to her.)