I am amazed by myself. I am really really not bothered by my future. And I don't understand why. I am not bothered with my FYP. I lie to my professor about its progress. I haven sent out any other job application since the HDB interview. I only attend classes when I absolutely have to, and even then my presence isn't guaranteed. I only start looking into my projects when the deadline looms near.
And now that I'm part-timing, I have less time to be in the lab or type out my thesis. And then I realized I may need to do more part-time if I wanna have enough money for my grad trip, which is sorta confirmed already since they've already purchased the travel insurance on my behalf.
I have zero motivation to do anything in my life, because I do not sense that I will derive any satisfaction from the things I am obliged to do right now. No satisfaction from completing my FYP. No satisfaction from graduating. No satisfaction from attending classes. No satisfaction from completing my assignments and projects. No fucking satisfaction of whatsoever.
In a world where your sole existence is not for yourself, but for another you, and all you need to do is draw and imagine and day-dream, how bad is it really?
I am not kidding when I say I can day-dream my life away.
On a side note, watch You Are Not Alone if you have the time. It's an old Danish movie, and the acting is amateurish (they're all kids waddya expect). But I think it portrays the best puppy love story in movies so far, albeit as a gay relationship. You can download it from piratebay and it comes with English titles. You'll be surprised at how non-disturbing the movie is even though it's on a topic that isn't everyone's cup of tea.
I'm supposed to type my thesis. Supposed. But apparently my 不care attitude is running rampant right now. So fuck it.
Honestly, I used to have a really really bad impression with regards to clubbing. Probably cos of all the drinking and dancing and flirting and grinding and humping and squeezing and deafening bass and expensive alcohol and rude clubbers etc...
My first clubbing experience was really kinda like a let down. Second time didn't really count cos I was on duty and didn't stay back to club after the event ended. Third time was with the bros, and it was my first time attempting to really get into the flow.
Ytd was my fourth. Talk about being experienced.
But ytd was really really fun. I wasn't high at all from the alcohol. I dunno why. The girls kept getting us drinks since it was free flow for them. Mixers, beer etc. We kept drinking. But it didn't even make me go red. I dunno why. The music? Or all that standing and walking and yelling and laughing...?
But when it was time to enter the dance floor, it was the music that made us all high. The songs weren't too bad, and thank god for the company. Everyone was willing to let loose.
9 hours of work at PageOne with constant standing and walking around followed by 5 hours of clubbing is really really hard on the legs. Plus that one night cost me more than the 9 hours of work brought in. Lol.
Drinking and clubbing is to me, nothing but the company. I think the same applies to a lot more things in my life. Makes it sound like I'm too dependent on the people around me. Which I am. I derive a lot of my life's happiness from the happiness of the people around me. That's why I like to make people happy. Unless I am too lazy, which is also a common occurrence. But then again, I've learnt to live by myself for quite some time now. I know how to make myself happy.
With a song. A book. Staring at the ceiling while lying on the bed. Day-dreaming on the bus. Listening to the rain while tucked in my bed.
Not all beginnings are bad. Not all beginnings are good either. I dunno how my beginning was, but it doesn't matter. Not all beginnings can be as awesome as the intro of the song below. But at least things seem to be going well for now. not necessarily true in the larger scope of things, but I'm contented with the slightest feelings of gratification. Yesterday and this song makes me feel contented now.
I like it now.
Sufjan Stevens ~ Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland, Illinois
Post edit: Preparing something I dun make very often is also very gratifying, especially when it turns out nice haha... One of my fav salad recipes which I created impromptu myself unintentionally :)
These are really obscure bands/singers/songs to me, but I stumbledupon them. It's basically a compilation of this list and this list together with some other songs I came across. The titles given to the original lists were aptly named. The kind of songs you can listen to while lying on your bed staring at the ceiling, or when you're awake at the wee hours of the morning and the sun starts rising in the horizon, when you're staring at the wall in your room thinking about everything and nothing.
They're the kind of songs I can listen to while doodling on my wall without once feeling distracted.
And they're awesome at what they do. Imagine how many more such talents have we missed out due to the dominating mainstream music that hogs and inundates our senses day after day...? I'm not exactly complaining. Mainstream artists are equally talented as well. But sometimes, when you come across something completely unexpected, it can be utterly refreshing. For your senses.
Sufjan Stevens ~ Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland, Illinois
“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” Rebecca- age 8
“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” Billy – age 4
“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” Karl – age 5
“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.” Chrissy – age 6
“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” Terri – age 4
“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.” Danny – age 7
“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss” Emily – age 8
“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.” Bobby – age 7 (Wow!)
“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,” Nikka – age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)
“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” Noelle – age 7
“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” Tommy – age 6
“During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.” Cindy – age 8
“My mommy loves me more than anybody You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.” Clare – age 6
“Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.” Elaine-age 5
“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.” Chris – age 7
“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.” Mary Ann – age 4
“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.” Lauren – age 6
“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” (what an image) Karen – age 7
“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.” Mark – age 6
“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” Jessica – age 8
And the final one — Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbour was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, “Nothing, I just helped him cry”
Sometimes I think I'm such a drama queen. I dun noe why I get taken aback by things I sort of-kinda-maybe know a little. Maybe it's cos I like to mentally block things out of my mind. I do that so often with things I am reluctant to face head on, it's becoming an extremely bad habit that gets me into an increasing amount of trouble. And it's turning me into the world's biggest procrastinator. Of epic proportions (self-mockery intended). It makes my life easier, yes. I get to block out and not think of things that stresses me out, or makes me uncomfortable. I get to avoid them for a while. But then they return to bite me with a COMBO WHORE damage.
So it took me like 2 days to finally send the reply. But in this case I'm glad I took my time. I seem to have a clearer mind as compared to ytd. Or the day before.
Just remember, if ever you realized there's sum issues between you and me, it's mostly because of me. And I mean this to anyone who knows me. Especially you, the one reading this blog right now. There's so few of you I dun even need to guess. 对朋友和家人,很多时候,我非常的自我保留。所以如果你觉得即使过了这么多年,你对我的认识还是一样浅,我必须抱歉。但,我不认为这是一个我现在就能改的习惯。所以,请再多包容我一下。
On a side note, I love meeting ppl who make me feel comfortable from the get-go. I dun normally enjoy meeting new ppl, cos there's always an awkwardness, and if you dun already know despite the repeated repeats, I abhor awkwardness. But there are some ppl out there who just allows you to feel at ease immediately. I don't think I will ever be like that. But I do like meeting such ppl.
I wanna own a book shop cum cafe one day. Random ramblings on this random night.
I keep thinking of my life based on what's coming up next. And then I prepare for it at the very last minute. I dunno what I'm gonna do next week, let alone three years down the road.
I like to tackle problems one at a time. But then the world wants people who can multitask, and multitask well. They want people who thinks ahead of time, like seriously AHEAD of time. I think about tomorrow. Sometimes I don't even do that.
And then, I realized. I can either be extremely easily satisfied, or never satisfied at all. The former simply because I will very rarely be riddled with worries about the future since I dun think about the future at all. The latter because the world's a bitch and there will be a never-ending stream of problems coming your way, which means after tackling the problem tomorrow, there will be a new one the day after.
Plus like I mentioned, I like to tackle problems one by one. But it doesn't mean they come my way in that order.
It's during these times I wish there was someone else I could turn to. Funny, I was never interested in relationships since a long time ago. But now that I'm at the brink of leaving school life for good, things just dun seem to be that simple anymore. And, I really wish there could be someone there sometimes.
I'll never hear the end of it from the nosey peeps who read this blog. I know. I wonder why I still bother to write all these down.
Hahaha so I was surprised when a fren commented that she thinks it is impossible for me to ever be gay, cos all this while, if I compare myself to most of the guy frens I hang out with or whom I'm close with, I was never the most macho/manly one amongst all of them. So yeah, I was surprised by the absolute tone of hers lol...
And then Arvin the Slut said the same thing during mahjong night too.
So if I ever turn gay, these two will have to eat their words ar hahahaha..... (not funny sienz)
Valentine's Day today, so Happy Valentines to everyone, regardless of whether you're attached, you're single, you're straight, you're gay, you're bi, you're confused, or you simply can't be bothered (yours truly). It's an over-rated day/festival/celebration thingy (I rather cuddle with my loved one everyday than spend one single day making it special, but then that's just me), and I was never bothered with it, so who cares?
And just to spice things up a lil, to show that I can turn gay too (muahahahahahaha *evil cackle*), here's sum cute boys pics! My V Day gift to anyone and everyone who visits this sorry ass of an excuse of a blog LOL
Ok that's all I'm too lazy to deliberately search for pics of guys... Three is the best I can do.
I've been backsliding on my diet plans. Yeah I know, it's an old story. But I really didn't get a chance to resume my routine during CNY with all that travelling (and of cos with all that eating), and even when I'm bck in Singapore I'm still in the CNY mood.
But I swear, the diet resumes on Monday, and the jogging resumes by this Saturday. Lemme just soak in the CNY mood a lil longer.
At the mean time, here's my fav comic strips on the web so far.
And if you ever need a place to search and listen to songs, grooveshark is really REALLY awesome. Plus you can create playlists and share them with your frens. Esp useful to ppl staying in hall since your computer/laptop is practically connected to the net 24/7 and you're in your room pretty often too.
And picplz is my newest photo app find in my iphone. Pretty neat, and the pics that ppl took and shared on picplz can be pretty amazing.
Sunset @ Temasek Hall
I can imagine slacking my entire life away. Trust me, I can.
I think I just got a teeny weeny bit better at k-ing. The last 2 occasions were disastrous hahaha...
And I think 3 to 4 ppl k-ing at one time is the perfect number. Of cos u need to make sure u hv sumone who can reach all the notes amongst you when you k, so whenever you run into a banshee-high note, you can str8 away send your mic over to the saviour (that's you wei wei).
I wan to K summore. Drats.
And I need some over-night mahjong therapy.
Rihanna ~ S&M (this song has some FRIGGIN' ADDICTIVE beats!)
Sometimes I dun understand why I bother coming home. I get nagged about my hair, about my diet, about my habits, about everything in my life. I just suck with short hair, what, is it gonna take you the next fifty years to understand that? It's the hair that's growing on MY freaking head, not yours, and there isn't your name carved onto my forehead saying I'm your son when I go out, so don't worry about me throwing your face. I like it long, so get used to that.
And for heaven's sake, I'm not stupid. I noe the consequences of being over-weight and etc... I jus dun bother to tell you when I'm exercising and when I'm not. If I wanna sit down after dinner instead of standing like an idiot outside in the garden, that's my freaking business. I doubt standing for five minutes will make much of a difference anyway.
Leaving for Muar soon once Dad gets back from his half-day work. Didn't get to celebrate CNY last year since I was away on SEP. Hopefully it'll be as enjoyable as usual this year. And of course hopefully none of my ang paos shrink in size haha...
Happy CNY everyone. Esp my Lundian friends. :D
and not forgetting the rare few visitors I have here as well, happy CNY to Wei Wei, Arvin, Matty boy, Kah Sing and Yuxiang. =D
I don't really feel anything for my room at home. Since I'm hardly back, I seldom use it, thus the lack of a personal attachment to it. But then again, I dun really feel attached to my room in TH as well, since I've nvr stayed in the same room for more than a year, and I've always known that when four years' time is up, I'll be moving out.
I don't feel a sense of belonging in Singapore, but nowadays I don't really feel a sense of belonging in Malaysia as well. I'm literally just floating about.
I think I'm like that among frens too. I just......float about. Amongst them. Prolly due to my nature.
Wanna continue to edit the layout, and then resume LR and PS. But then my laptop table is being dominated by my uncle's huge ass tv cos his hs is undergoing renovations. So now my laptop is on my bed, and my neck is hurting from all the straining to stare at the monitor while lying down.
So I didn't sleep the entire night, couldn't go for a run since the rain was being a temperamental bitch, went for a short gym session in the end at 430am in the morning (which gave me the goosebumps cos I was alone and the mirrors didn't help... -_-), came back to start packing, and finally finished the photoshop editing for my new blog layout.
Dun mistake me, the layout belongs to someone else. I merely changed the header with the pictures I took (or was tagged in on FB) during my euro trip. It turned out better than I thought it would, and editing the html codes wasn't that difficult after all. I figure I'll change the header pictures once a few weeks since I've got loads of pics in my laptop and I hardly edited/uploaded any of them at all, which is such a waste.
If u really wanna noe more about the header, the first pic on the left is of Venice. Second pic is of Nice, France. Third pic was taken at Florence, Italy. Last pic was in London. Liked the last pic a lot cos it was taken without much thought and turned out great. Can't believe my face was that thin in the third pic as well... Sigh...
More photoshop and lightroom editing to be done soon. This can get addictive.